i feel strange about having to justify my gayness (faggottry) with ‘relationships’. I want to be as honest as i can, and i always try to: my therapist often marks being taken aback by my frankness. i used to worry about appearing too much of a fag to other people and now it is the complete opposite. maybe being in an environment (such as csm) that has a handful of quite loud queers makes it difficult for the rest of us— and no, not in a “pride parades make everyone think we’re freaks!!!!”, i like being an abnormality ty, rather in the sense it seems hard to not foist how gay you are into how you portray lest you be cast off as cishet etcetera. what ways could i be construed as gay without signalling some sort of relationship? this is a problem, you see, as what you would call an impressive loner i don’t exactly go out and suck dicks every weekend. fuck, even having/keeping friends is hard enough - only recently i’ve had anyone to talk to outside of irregular class discussions - in which i tend to overcompensate my lack of social interaction by subjecting - forcing - a crowd to listen. am i a fag because of the type of porn i look at? maybe i need to do more of the symptomatic peacock-ing. over the last few years the amount of make-up i wear has increased (recently has taken a nosedive), and those feelings i’ve been having about the omnipresent deathzone of gender ‘looms over etc’… male-male is the only thing i am attracted to both romantically and sexually, and gender questioning often gets resolved by that line of thought, or by thinking i like having body hair, that i want to have big arms to hold around a (hypothetical) boyfriend (buck is his name at the moment, heavy southern american accent). saying this, i probably think these aspects of me are the most boring and kinda standard. i tend to hate a lot of arts about sexuality, and i always feel v lazy and like I’m leveraging some legitimising ‘issue’ if i make art about gayness etc. this doesn’t tend to apply to music really - more mounting evidence to me that music>visual arts umbrella. despite that, i don’t like it when this aspect of myself is unnoticed or ignored? i get very jealous of people with more camp (hmm) accents, who look more bearish, more twinkish, more something that acts as signalling. i WISH i didn’t have to signal and non of this mattered but it does. it just feels incredibly boring to care so much about what essentially stems from a non-essential part of me; it still seems strange to me such a sexual thing has such normative affect? that same weird dirty feeling of having a relationship begin on grindr— like it undercuts everything with a sleaziness. maybe it’s a problem on my end for seeing it as entirely sexual; maybe i’m so cut off that holding hands (non sexual) for example doesn’t even come to mind as the first thing that would signal sexuality. it all seems very defined on your interactions with others and experiencing quite encompassing isolation throws all that under the bus. internally I’ve never not felt i was gay, but going so long without contact really makes you question that. i guess i am straight passing as much as i hate that and make effort not to be. am i alone (i am). i like being alone (maybe). “I want big arms to put around you” even putting all this to e-paper feels dirty like im conforming to some shit lonely male(?) artist trope… it’s hard to feel like any of this could be seen as legit or something. like i’m too cynical or irony-poisoned. what i don’t want is to be making work that is simply escapist, identity laden and so on. i hate that to be non binary you need to ‘look non binary’ (ie septum piercing, afab, dyed hair, stripped socks…) it’s not enough to be gay or nb you have to look the part. i like being gay but the nb qualifier throws that into flux hmm. i’ve felt for a very long time these feelings about gender mustn’t be legitimate and that it is just a side effect of too much online immersion into certain online circles, but this has been in my head for years by now. i think i am not a woman (even writing that feels contrived and attention seek-y). i’ve tried they/them before (online only p much) and i’ve routinely removed or gone back on that decision multiple times for the same reason i find most of this generally embarrassing to admit - worried it looks like some straight white cis dude grasping at the time he wore a dress as a kid for some legitimising thread to my existence as somebody people should care about (personhood and work). i wish i didn’t think about any of this and that non of this mattered; fantasising about being somebody that can switch off this part of them or has never even begun to think about it. this will never be resolved as far as i am concerned: i want too many disparate things, things that negate each other, so i will never be satisfied in that regard at least. i guess that’s one reason making work about it feels so futile and as if I’m reaching for a legitimiser. there is no ‘working out’ to be done maybe here? and i like work to be a working out. and maybe that would come across as exactly straight dudes ‘experimenting’ or ‘exploring their feminine side’ does/would. i like feeling overly upset by things. it’s nice to be so overly impacted by what doesn’t seem to bother a lot of people. of course, any showing of this is done in private (going to boys school explains most of this): never cry in front of anyone else, if you’re going to be expressive do it online under one of your aliases. i have had a lot of practice at getting upset and am fairly good at it now. upset seems a gayer way to describe anger, anger doesn’t seem to fit— i’m too much of a limp wristed faggot for that. SUN: 09:56 getting upset at feeling like having an inadequate semantic vocabulary to navigate most of this. i need to buy breakfast i’m still deciding to take the dominant, pragmatic route of retaining i am in fact a man (saying that sounds RIDICULOUS but here i am). the smell of rain is the smell of everything else